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"Nothing
is more costly than something given free of charge."
– Japanese saying –
Obligation
has been used as a persuasive technique since the beginning
of time. Door-to-door
salesmen offer free brushes, free encyclopedias, even free estimates
in the hopes of securing a sale. People throw parties in their
homes giving away free Tupperware, refreshments, or other MLM
products. We all know how hard it is to attend a friend’s
party, eat their food, take their free gift, and then go home
without buying
a thing. So, what do we do? We order the cheapest item in the
catalog to get rid of the obligation or indebtedness we feel
to the host. During the Great War, special soldiers were often
given assignment to turn sorties into enemy territory. They were
then instructed
to capture and question enemy soldiers. A particularly skilled
German soldier was solicited to fulfill another such mission. As
he had on numerous other occasions, he negotiated the area between
fronts and caught a soldier off guard, eating some lunch alone
in his trench. Unaware of what had just happened, the startled
soldier was easily captured. Not knowing what else to do, the soldier
tore off a piece of bread and gave it to his captor. The German
expert was so surprised by the friendly gesture that he couldn’t
follow through with his assignment. Turning away from the soldier,
he headed back into neutral territory and on to face the wrath
of his superiors.
Maybe this has happened to you. You are attempting
to buy a car and are playing hardball with the sales rep. You’ve negotiated
back and forth and are getting nowhere. You are ready to walk away
when he says he will talk to his manager one last time. As he gets
up, he says, “You know, I’m thirsty, so I’m going
to get myself a soda. Would you like one?”
“Sure!” you say, oblivious to his tactic. He comes
back with the soda and a better deal from his manager. It’s
not the deal you wanted, but you feel it’s the best you are
going to get. So, you accept it. As you think about it later, it
dawns on you that you bought the car because of a subconscious
trigger. The moral of the story is to never take a drink from the
car sales rep before you’ve settled on a price. That drink
serves as an obligation trigger. You feel indebted to the car dealer
because of this small courtesy, and he knows it. He created the
obligation with a fifty-cent can of soda. You return the favor
and get out of his debt by buying a $20,000 car.
Definition of The Law of Obligation
The
Law of Obligation, also known as “reciprocity”, states
that when others do something for us, we feel a strong need,
even a push, to return the favor. Returning the favor rids us
of the
obligation created by the first good deed. In all cultures, the
adage “one good turn deserves another” seems to universally
be a part of social conditioning. And, even beyond that, the
maxim serves as an ethical code that does not necessarily need
to be
taught but nevertheless is understood. For example, when someone
smiles or gives a compliment, we feel a great need to return
the smile or compliment. Even when these gestures are unsolicited,
we feel a sense of urgency to repay the person who has created
the mental or psychological debt. In some cases, our need to
repay
this debt is so overwhelming that we end up dramatically exceeding
the original favor. The obligation trigger created by the car
salesman’s
soda offer is a classic example of this principle: The need to
reciprocate resulted in a very lopsided and unfair exchange. People often conscientiously trigger feelings of
indebtedness and obligation in others by carrying out an uninvited
favor. Even
if we don’t want or ask for the gift, invitation, or compliment,
we still feel the need to return the favor when we receive it.
Merely being indebted, even in the slightest sense of the word,
can create enough psychological discomfort (and sometimes even
public embarrassment) that we go to extraordinary lengths to remove
the burdensome obligation we feel. This is when we often disproportionately
reward the original giver.
When my family moved to a new area, we gave a small
Christmas gift to all our neighbors. I don’t think the gifts cost more
than $5.00 each. We were new on the block and wanted to get to
know our neighbors. About thirty minutes after hand-delivering
the gifts to our new neighbors, the doorbell rang. There stood
one of the neighbors with a large box of truffles in hand. I emphasize
large – this box had to have been holding at least $50 worth
of chocolates. She said, “Welcome to the neighborhood and
Happy Holidays,” and with that she was off and on her way.
She couldn’t cope with the sudden debt she felt toward my
family so, to rid herself of her feelings of obligation, she gave
back ten times more than she’d originally received. This
is why many people buy extra holiday presents to have on hand,
just in case someone delivers a gift they did not count on.
The Law of
Obligation also applies when there are favors we wish we could
ask, but we know we are not in a position to repay them
or perhaps even ask for them in the first place. The psychological
and emotional burden created by such circumstances is often great
enough that we would rather lose the benefits of the favor by not
asking for it at all than experience the embarrassment and likely
rejection that might come from asking. For example, it is a common
complaint among women receiving expensive gifts and favors from
men that, although they are flattered by and like getting the gifts,
they feel an uncomfortable sense of obligation to repay their suitors.
Furthermore, these same women expressed frustration at the perception
held by these men that, because of their favors, the women would
or should be more sexually accessible. Studies have shown that
the converse is also true: When individuals break the reciprocity
rule by showering favors on someone without giving them a chance
to repay, there is an equal amount of discomfort.
The drive to alleviate feelings of obligation is
so powerful that it can make us bend toward people we don’t
even know. One university professor chose names at random then
sent these complete
strangers his Christmas cards. Holiday cards addressed to him came
pouring back, all from people who did not know him and, for that
matter, who had never even heard of him.
The Law of
Obligation can be used to eliminate animosity or suspicion. In
one study, researcher Dennis Regan had two individuals try to
sell raffle tickets to unsuspecting workers. One individual made
a conscientious effort to befriend the workers before attempting
to sell any tickets. The other individual made a point of being
rude and obnoxious around the workers. While on a break, the individual
who had previously been rude to his prospects bought them drinks
before trying to get them to buy tickets. The results of the study
showed that the rude individual actually sold twice as many raffle
tickets, even though the other had been so much nicer and more
likable.
On another occasion, a man was stranded on the
side of the road because his car had run out of gas. A young
man pulled over and
identified himself as a friend of the man’s daughter. He
took the man to get gas and then brought him back to his car. Of
course, feeling indebted, the man said, “If you ever need
anything, just ask.” Three weeks later, capitalizing on the
offer, the young man asked if he could borrow the man’s expensive
car. The man’s best judgment screamed, “Are you crazy?
I don’t know if I trust this kid to get it back to me in
one piece!” But the mental pressure to satisfy his obligation
to the young man won out over his better judgment and he loaned
the young man his car.
The pressure to reciprocate is strong enough that
when people don’t return the favor, they are viewed with
contempt and disgust. Accepting gifts or favors without attempting
to return
them is universally viewed as selfish, greedy, and heartless. It
is often strictly due to this internal and external pressure that
people conform to the rule of reciprocity.
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